Chuck Norris' Knock Out

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1. Someone once stabbed Chuck Norris with a knife. The knife bled to death. - Chuck Norris make onions cry.

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1. Someone once stabbed Chuck Norris with a knife. The knife bled to death. - Chuck Norris make onions cry.

2. Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV. - When Chuck Norris looks in the mirror nothing appears. There can never be a second Chuck Norris.

3. Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class. - Chuck Norris does not sleep, he waits.

4. Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris. - When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.

5. The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide. - Chuck Norris found out who Keyser Sose was, just by looking at the video cover.

6. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch a 60 minute-show. - Back in the '50s, there was a lot of controversy because Chuck Norris was the first black woman to refuse to sit at the back of the bus. He roundhouse kicked every white person in sight, and now he sits wherever the fuck he wants to.

7. Chuck Norris doesn’t go hunting, hunting implies the chance of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. - When you see Chuck Norris, he sees you. When you don't see Chuck Norris you're just seconds away from death.

8. If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you. - Chuck Norris once beat a Royal Flush in a poker game.

9. Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked. - Chuck Norris has killed more men than death.

10. There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma. - Chuck Norris stared fear in the eye. Fear pissed on himself.

11. Chuck Norris once met a man who cried because he had no shoes after which he ripped the man's feet off and said, "Now you don't need shoes." - The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

12. Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris." - Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun, and won.

13. Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair. - Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

14. When Chuck Norris runs on checkmate, he still wins. - Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.

15. With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit. - Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.

16. When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris. - After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane".

17. If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you. - Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.

18. Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people. - In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. He was running from Chuck Norris.

19. Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken. - Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight. The knife lost.

20. There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up. - Chuck Norris knew of the Watergate before Nixon did.

21. Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror. - Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.

22. Chuck Norris can clap with one hand. - The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

23. According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday. - When Chuck Norris looks into a broken mirror, the mirror fixes itself out of respect.

24. Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club. - Jesus walked on water, but Chuck Norris swam through land.

25. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes. - Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.

26. Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre. - There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

27. At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris. - Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

28. The devil once sold his soul to Chuck Norris. - The movie "Invasion U.S.A." is, in fact, a documentary.

29. When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back. - Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

30. Chuck Norris was supposed to be the next face on Mt. Rushmore. Unfortunately the granite is not a hard enough materiel to replicate Chuck Norris' beard. - Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down.

31. Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move. - If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.

32. The only reason God rested on the 7th day was because Chuck Norris let him. - If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

33. Bullets dodge Chuck Norris. - Chuck Norris speak fluently in all languages. Thats 6,916 languages. 6,912 on Earth. And 4 that dont exist yet.

34. People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris...Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident. - In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

35. Chuck Norris doesn't do drugs. Drugs do Chuck Norris. - Chuck Norris doesn't need to use toilet paper because shit is too scared to stick to his ass.

36. Chuck Norris does not get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris. - Chuck Norris will grant you a wish, if your wish is death.

37. There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks. - The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

38. Chuck Norris doesn’t know how to swim, he just tells the water to get the fuck out of his way. - Bigfoot takes pictures of Chuck Norris.

39. Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds. - The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

40. Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts. - Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

41. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas. - Adolf Hitler didn't commit suicide. Chuck Norris just got bored of WWII.

42. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. - There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.

43. Some people say that Chuck Norris is a myth. No one heard of them ever since. - Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. But never his own.

44. They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take shit from anybody. - Chuck Norris calendar goes from March 31 to April 2. Nobody fools Chuck Norris.

45. Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." - Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.

46. Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink. - Every time someone uses the word "intense", Chuck Norris always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.

47. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man from his blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris. - Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

48. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right leg. - Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

49. Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint. - When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.

50. Freddy Krueger has nightmares of Chuck Norris. - Chuck Norris has only one theory about life: death.

51. When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get the above the horizon. - Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and shits gun powder. Then he uses that gun powder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life".

52. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. - Chuck Norris uses Tobasco sauce for his eye drops.

53. Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover. - Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

54. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. - Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

55. Chuck Norris once entered a pistol fight without bullets, and won. - For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

56. Chuck Norris built Mount Everest with a bucket and spade. - There are no such things as Lesbians. Only women that Chuck Norris hasn't met yet.

57. Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is. - Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

58. Chuck Norris can catch Roadrunner, walking. - When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.

59. Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it. - Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.

60. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise. - Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

61. Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song. - Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

62. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer. - The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

63. Chuck Norris has never had a surprise birthday party. He can NEVER be surprised. EVER. - Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.

64. There's only one person who survived a roundhouse kick by Chuck Norris, he now goes by the name 'The Elephant Man'. - ?

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2. Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV. - When Chuck Norris looks in the mirror nothing appears. There can never be a second Chuck Norris.

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3. Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class. - Chuck Norris does not sleep, he waits.

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